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Happy New Year? Having written all the below I have jumped back up the top of this post to say when I started writing it - it was going to be titled something like 'Lovology' and was going to be about a chap I met a couple of weeks ago who seems to have fallen so deeply in love he may have lost his identity. Jesus Christ time is flying by quickly! 9th of February already? Chinese new year this week? You know, I don't think we should call Chinese new year, Chinese new year, or let me rephrase, in the West we should refer to it as Chinese new year, but I think if we're going to wish people a happy Chinese new year, we should just wish them a happy new year. Indeed, why don't we wish people a happy Vietnamese new year (Tet (which is usually celebrated on the same day as Chinese new year)) instead? We are ruling out a whole nation by wishing people a specifically Chinese new year! What do we have against the Vietnamese? 0.1% of them might be Muslim, but come on people, it's 2010 now, I'd like to think like me you could overcome that statistic and not alienate them when wishing people a happy lunar new year! Then, since we're now respecting the Vietnamese, we mustn't forget to to wish our friends in the Sikh community a happy Hola Mohalla on March 14th. (You know, I can't think of one single thing I can say to make fun of the Sikhs. Even the Kirpan is traditionally used for defense and to prevent violence! The only reason I back laws to prevent them from carrying it is because someone, somewhere will inevitably and tragically end up being stabbed with his own knife). Since we have nothing against the good people of Bali we mustn't forget their new year either, officially 'a day of silence, fasting, and meditation' (I can't begin to speculate how much the West would benefit from applying just the first two rules to their lifestyle, even if just for one day a year!); and what do we have against Iran to not wish them a happy Nowruz on the 20th March? We shouldn't judge them just because they publicly flog and execute homosexuals, severely repress women, the Bahá'í faith and non-Shiite Muslims, hate Israel, deny the holocaust ever happened, kicked out a Shah for making economically advantageous connections and are thought to have nuclear weapons. Come on, we can rise above that now can't we? We shouldn't forget the Babylonian new year either, sure none of them are left, but Iraq has been getting such bad press lately, it might be good for them if we reinstated it (oh the Western conceit!)! For eleven days everyone could just lay down their guns and let down their burquas and party like it's 1699 BC! Then, pretty soon after that (specially as it's eleven days long) there's the Assyrian new year on the 1st April. The only problem in wishing someone a "Happy Assyrian new year" on the 1st of April is, well, they're not going to believe you! In fact maybe the joke's on me and that wasn't their new year at all, but rather 2500 years ago one Assyrian said to another Assyrian: "You know what will be funny Dave? Well you know how it's April fool's tomorrow right? And you know John keeps the record tablets buried in his garden? Well, how about..." India has several new years in different provinces for different religions, though mostly in April: Vaisakhi in Punjab, Vaisakhi in Assam, Pohela Boishakh in Bangladesh, Vishuva Sankranti in Oriya, Sinhalese new year (Sri Lanka (it's close to India, alright?), Puthandu in Puducherry, Vishu in Kerala, Maharashtrian new year in Maharashtra, Marwari in Rajasthan, the list goes on. All these new years exist for two reasons: Firstly to support India's commitment to achieve a feasible and commercial form of time travel, and secondly for financial reasons pertaining to the Inland Revenue (especially after claiming all that 'time travel' funding! (It just avoids the whole "Oh, when I said time travel you thought I meant...?" conversation!) Added to the above we must also remember the Telugu New Year, the Kashmiri new year, the Hindu new year (Gudi Padwa), the Thelemic new year, and the Jews would also be extremely disgruntled if we forgot to mention the
Tourist Yes, you will find I spelt 'History', 'Hostory' - But I've already saved it as a jpeg and am not going to edit it again!
She Makes Me Wanna Die Again, just the song I'm listening to. Anyway, I went onto the shop just now, and quite frankly I surprised myself. As I've said in the past in many a blog I'm sure: fat people choose to be fat. I guess carrying those extra pounds (to put it mildly) has been worth it for me! Those lovely pastas rich in olive oil and cheese, the fatty chourico, the olives - oh my god the olives! The Portuguese bread covered in Cornish butter, the puff pastry, the delicious pasties from The Cornwall Pasty Co. in Windsor and the evil Lindt chocolate have been worth compromising my squash game, the odd joke between friends and ocassionally not getting the girl. But I noticed since I started working again, I'm lacking the energy I once had in abundance, and that, I can't stand for. Bar today I seem to get pretty tired after a perfectly normal 7 hour day. I daren't step on the scales and and am beginning to lose hope of getting on a wake board this summer. So, ~O, I'll take your bet. I'll cut down on eating all those evil, harmfull, malnourishing, fattening and absolutely delicious foods. I'll replace the Lindt with oranges, the pasties with bananas, the Sprite with water and the pasta with, erm, well, I'll eat less pasta! I am going to up my squash game hopefully to at the very least two sessions a week if I can talk Dan into it. I am going to do the breathing exercises I described in my 'How To Be Perfect' post and I'm going to walk or jog a lot more than I usually do. I also want to up my online poker game. If I can be a winning player live, I don't see why I can't be online. Nearly everyone I talk to about poker is a weaker player than I am.
Train Strike If you think I'm a sweet little boy who never makes fun of a serious situation, please don't read the below post. On Saturday, my train to London was cancelled owing to someone being struck at Ealing Broadway. While this in itself is tragic and lamentable, I couldn't help but make fun of this horrific event in a series of text messages to my Brother whilst at work today: At 13:34 I wrote:
At 13:36 my brother wrote:
At 13:43 I wrote:
At 13:45 my brother wrote:
At 13:55 I wrote:
At 14:15 my brother wrote:
At 14:46 I wrote:
At 15:25 I wrote:
Bebop Vulgarities
'Nazi Gets Grenade up Ass', 'Noob Blows Commander in Woods' or 'Ghost Shoots Guy's Brains All Over Windshield of Car' (to make up a few) might be some YouTube titles you expect to read the above comments under, but 'Bebop Jazz Improvisation'? Wow! Well, at least it's good to know that the ignorant, narrow-minded and vulgar YouTube idiots who habitually trawl through countless video comments searching for a vulnerable user to attack are developing a sense of culture!
Looking Down on Haiti?
I won't ask what the difference is between The Church of The Flying Spaghetti Monster and, oh I don't know, Islam, Christianity etc, because, well, they're obvious. They are equally as valid in regard to their plausibility, but of course the more well known religions are grossly outdated in regard to, say Pastafarianism, for example. They were thought up before we had even conceived the tools which safely allow us to rule them out all together nowadays (unlike Pastafarianism, and less importantly Scientology, Mormonism, Amish, etc...). This should tell us that by claiming God is testing the helpless victims of such natural disasters from a Christian point of view, is at least as disrespectful as doing so from a Pastafarian point of view. But lots of people genuinely believe in Christianity you say? Well that's great - lot's of people believe in other outdated, idiotic concepts like white supremacy too, but they've learnt to keep it to themselves.
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I
have no patience for the idiots who insist God is testing people
by subjecting them to natural disasters. Imagine if Harrison Ford
was interviewed and asked about the situation in Haiti, the interviewer
phrased the question in such a way as to remind the listeners or
viewers of the thousands of deaths, the suffering, the effects it
is going to have on some people for the rest of their lives and
the impact it will have on the economy, and Harrison Ford said it's
the Flying Spaghetti Monster testing people. How do you think the
rest of the world would react? People would accuse Harrison Ford
of being a callous, insensitive, perverted and twisted individual
with no respect for the victims of such an appalling disaster.